HOUR 58

Cracked open my first alone-beer. Loneliness has never tasted so good.

HOUR 57

KEEP CALM AND JERK ON

HOUR 55

Why in the world does this stupid journal have so many views? Don't you kids in Malaysia have anything better to do? I know I don't. Everyone is talking about the Canucks game and I honestly cannot hide the fact that my knowledge about hockey is about level with Josef Fritzl's chances of winning "Father of the Year."

Speaking of incestuous nefariousness, light has finally been shed on our age-old question, "If a boy were to conceive a child with his mother, would he be the father or the brother?" The child and the boy in question would have different fathers, and I think the title of father trumps half-brother. Hmm. A better question is why did we spend so much time pondering this when we were too unspeakably young to be wondering about this?

HOUR 52

Stayed in bed until 4:00 pm, so much for studying all day. Nocturnal mode, engaged. On an unrelated note, snapes on a plane.

HOUR 44

Two things.

Firstly, just read this (listen up Murphy)

"[a] phobia is an example of a reaction formation. The person wants what he fears. He is not afraid of the object;he is afraid of the wish for the object. The reactive fear prevents the dreaded wish from being fulfilled."

So basically you love missing limbs, Keely. You want to rip off the prosthetics and make a hot mess, just you and the stub. Isn't that nice? I just saved you years of therapy.

Secondly.
............
......................

HOLY SHIT I JUST MADE THE WORST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE. HOW THE FUCK RESEARCHING " DEFENSE MECHANISMS" LEADS TO MOTHERFUCKING "JARSQUATTER.COM" I WILL NEVER KNOW. HOLY BUNNY FUCK BALLS DISEASES. I'D RATHER WATCH A MILLION ORPHANS BURN THAN WATCH THAT EVER AGAIN.

HOUR 43

This is the last sunrise-sunset day without one of my bitchez, and it's gone surprisingly wonderfully, other than the fact that I've hardly studied. Which isn't really a surprise, but let's consider what is:

• I have slept a grand total of 5 hours throughout this. 
• None of those hours took place last night
• I haven't gotten drunk alone
• I haven't gotten drunk with anyone else either
• I've done laundry, showered daily, and kept up health
• I feel phenomenal

Instead of taking the obvious assumption of considering that perhaps I am able to live alone, let's be a little more analytical (hee hee ANALytical... grow up). It is much more likely that I am so crippled with alienation that my body is reacting the opposite way, that I'm dealing with my anxiety with a reaction formation to love it. Let's just hope that this doesn't spin itself into something crazy that makes me attack Keely when she walks in the door. 

Just kiiiidding Keely, you can be certain I'll savagely attack you. BY THE WAY, SPEAKING OF MISSING THE CRAB/LOBSTER FIGHTS.

Claw Hands Woman - Free videos are just a click away

HOUR 31

Still not lonely. Hmm. No new inventions or crazy ideas, and I haven't been caught staring at people out the window. We're at a bit of a lull I guess... I'll pound caffeine to get these creative thoughts going. I went out in broad daylight for the first time today, but I managed not to make eye contact with anyone. Success. WHY YOU LOOKIN' AT ME??? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?? By the way, I found a really darling picture of Asia and her love child

T'aaaawwwwwwwhhh isn't her mustache dashing

HOUR 26

If I ever met someone who did this, I'd propose on the spot. I would definitely hesitate to abandon my kids if they were this cool.

HOUR 25

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

HOUR 24

Phase 1 complete and I haven't gotten lonely OR done anything too pathetic yet. I've somehow managed to be more social than I am when the roommates are here, surprise surprise. Two things:

1. Someone was yelling my name at my open window a short while ago, "LILAH. LILAH ARE YOU HOME? LILAH." I hesitated for a little bit (I'm pretty sure my expecto patronum is the Helen Keller of socially awkward manatees) and looked out the window and no one was there... mysterious male voice had vanished. I still don't know who that was.

"Urrrgrrhghgrrrugghrrghrhgrrr"

2. Epicmealtime approved the chocolate maple bacon cake, so it's a great day. Study for exams, why? I've already reached the peak of my life's successes.

Wait, found a better manatee picture:

What. The fuck.

If Helen Keller fell in the woods, would she make a sound?

HOUR 14

Two large black men knocked at my door around midnight, dressed like the Wu-Tang clan and eyes that were bloodshot in a big way. Instead of hiding in silence until they left like I usually would when anyone knocks, I make a bold move and answer the door (while wondering to myself if it's the last decision I'll make). One guy stands behind and looks shifty and scattered and says nothing the entire time, and the conversation with the other went a little something like this:

Awkward pause.

.....

Me: Hi...?

Him: Oh is this an all-girls dorm?

Me: Oh no, there's guys here too. Are you looking for someone's apartment?

Him: No

Me: .....

-Just stares at me-

Me: Can I help you with anything else..?

Him: ...Could we borrow a lighter?

Me: Oh sure, here you can just keep it, no one needs it here.

Him: Oh no I'll bring it back

Me: No seriously, it's fine just keep it

Him: I'll bring it back. I want to talk with you.

Me: .........

Him: Or will you be sleeping, will you be in bed?

-At this point I'm nervous enough to throw up, literally too scared to say no because I feel he would shove a bowie knife through my torso. 

Me: uh.... uh.. 

Him: Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.

-He introduces himself and goes to shake my hand. He holds my hand there for an awkward length of time. Just holds. And stares at me. Like I'm meat. He holds my hand and feels the skin on my hands. I am shaking. 

They leave to smoke, and I lock the door. Soon enough, they come back. I am too beside myself being unreasonably afraid that I can't answer the door myself. They are calling me Laura. They leave. 

Wtf. In what world does it make sense for two men to be simply looking for a lighter on the second floor of a cluster unit.

Fuuuuuuck three nights of this.

HOUR 7

Pros and cons of this situation so far:

PROS

+ Singing obnoxiously loud in the shower
+ Showering with the door open... just because.
+ Playing bad music very, very loudly
+ Not seeing Keely drop her towel
+ Doing my sudden sprint-jump karate moves in the hallway without fear of running into someone
+ Not hearing "Yiiiyaaaaaah" from any half-naked roommates.
+ Two words... air dry.

CONS

- No one to have crab/lobster fights with
- Life has no meaning.

HOUR 5

Don't get me wrong, I love shower beers as much as the next functioning alcoholic. Unfortunately I have the habit of elbowing the can while I'm washing my hair and knocking the poor thing over, which is more depressing than watching Requiem of a Dream. Holy moses bunny guts that movie disturbed me. Anyway, loneliness has turned me into a greater revolutionary than Gutenberg, as my solution takes my good pal lucky lager to the next level. Observe. 

Eureka, am I right? Genius. 

HOUR 4

I was pulling on some pants, then realized "What am I even doing?"

Then left them there on the floor. Mermaids don't need pants and neither do I.

HOUR 3

I dropped some deli chicken on the floor. I stared at it for a little while. Then I ate it anyway.

HOUR 1.5

I have been laughing out loud to this picture for what seems like a long time. It's not that funny. What is wrong with me.

HOUR 1

So it begins. As I start my harrowing and unavoidable fate into alcoholism and insanity, I made the conscious decision to start this on a good note. Naked. Am I simply spreading my STD cocktail around the house like a dog who rips up a bird on the new white carpeting when the family is out too long? Perhaps. Luckily Keely left her door unlocked so I'm free to pee in her bed if it comes down to it.

Will I eat an entire family-jumbo-costo sized box of froot loops in one sitting? Will I spoon myself a kilogram of peanut butter as I watch episodes of Sailor Moon? We'll have to see. So far I have only looked up Ted Bundy and talked about Ed Gein to one person, which is relatively normal behavior. I think.